Last night was my first Monday in a long time without therapy - or maybe my first week without therapy 'intentionally' in a long while.

And it was awesome.

I did have a weird moment driving home where I was like "Oh man, what am I gonna do with all these crazy feelings that have been cropping up?"

Then it occurred to me "Well, for starters you could just feel them and let them be."

I felt a big smile creeping across my face and had that inner certainty that I am doing the right thing.

There is an abundance of a lot of really good things in my life right now and I just feel incredibly grateful for all of it.

There is also an abundance *right now* of some slightly stir crazy energy. Some of it was put to good use last night by pulling some zines from my personal collection for the Girls Rock Denver Zine Workshop and thinking a little bit more about what the workshop is going to look like. I am so excited for it!! I used the remainder of the crazy energy to upload new pictures on my computer and put some new and old ones up on the internets.

Tonight I am going to a Daughters group in Arvada that I am really excited/nervous for. The story behind it is that this woman wrote a book for daughters of narcissistic personality disorder moms and it was wildly successful and spoke to a lot of women about the importance of not perpetuating this hurtful behavior on other generations of girls, ourselves, or our friends, lovers, etc. She got so many calls to take on new clients in therapy one on one that she decided to have a weekly group so that women could work on these things together in community. And I found out about it just in time and got one of the last open spots. Yay!

I'm really interested to see how it goes.

Also I feel a little today like a cranky child who wore itself out trying to get its way. Which is kind of hilarious. There is a longer and totally crazy story behind this, but I am tired of hearing myself talk about it so I'm not even going to attempt to journal about it. Nap Time.

Have really been challenging myself to bring things up/vocalize how I feel about things that I might normally: ignore, suppress, feel victimized/angry/shitty about. Oh and the key part of the challenge is to do it in a timely manner. Which means different things given the situation.

It's still a challenge but every time I do it I can tell that the practice is paying off in so many ways. I believe this practice may be called self advocacy? Also I am super grateful when people bring stuff up with me in such a manner, so can only imagine the goodness this will hopefully contribute.

Got Wonderfalls in Netflix. Love it. About a IV League philosophy grad who works at a Niagra Falls souvenior shop and inatimate objects talk to her. Highly recommend. Quirky cute amazing funneh.

Things that are breaking my heart in unpredictable ways:

- David Carradine

- Our client's (who is already on death row) co-defendant sentenced to death today

- The recession burger affecting zine culture

Things I feeling really good about:

- renewed commitment to transparency, accountability, & breathing through the hard and easy

- clean bed sheets and clean haus

- my garden is growing these plants so far: pumpkin, corn, eggplant, green chile, pepper, tomato, cilantro, dill, basil, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, peas, beans, radishes, carrots, and a struggling lettuce!!!

- hanging out with Molly M., Nick's little sis tonight

- Role Playing Social Science/Sci Fi game with Ashvin, Becky & Gf

- House for All community & new friendships

- Al Anon home group

- trying out a spicy cheese cracker recipe

- Thunderstorms and Rain and Big Ol Clouds

- The perfect, beautiful, broken sea shells from my trip to Hawaii

I know it may not look like it but dudes I sometimes feel REAL socially developmentally challenged.

Coming back home from my first real vacation in a long while is such a trip (ha, pun not actually intended). All/most of the things that irritated me about my mom on vacation are the things that are irritating me about myself now that I'm back home? Whut. Thats a mind fuck.

I feel like I'm riding this thin line between feeling relaxed and rested from vacay & feeling irritated by all the real life stuff that is creeping under my skin.

Like work. Just in general. I mean, I love what I do but I still want to figure out better communication betwixt myself and all those I work for. Which is proving frustrating and pushing me a lot.

Like therapy. My god I am so fucking bored with therapy and hearing myself talk about my shit. Its like this fucking boring sad planet that orbits my body and compulsively develops a stonger gravitational pull (note to self: tell Elza this).

Like traffic. And being on time. Appointments. Dates. Blah frickity blah blah blah. For reals. Obligations.

I might take Kelly Curtone's advice to LC on the Hills pretty soon and Flane. Like just give up all the fucking appointments and bullshit and really just enjoy summer with no plans or obligations except the ones that crop up unexpectedly on my wandering. Easier said than done. And as I'm writing this I'm thinking "Ok, fine. Flane. Right after my weekend obligations." Which is, as I understand it hardly the point of the Flane. Um, that should have an accent on the e btw, but I am too lazy so...yeah. Its french and means to wander aimlessly without plans and exciting things will happen to you or something like that.

I wish I could just chill the fuck out for real and enjoy something laid back and easy breezy. But I'm just being honest here, I am so not built that way. I would use fancy descriptive words like anal or whatever to accentuate my point, but you get the idea. Maybe my summer goal should be something about letting myself have fun on my own terms and letting it be whatever it needs to be. Something to that effect. I'm so jealous of people who can just chill and have fun without stressin'. What magic planet did you people grow up on? And how can I learn me some of your ways?

I have to have a Come To Jesus talk with myself about relaxing and having fun, and thats never any fun. Catch 22.

Okay enough of that but HEY THE RAIN IS SO AWESOME! I am totally digging it. Not only is it helping to retain all the delicious moisture in my skin from the humid tropical climes of Hawaii, but it reminds me of being in Forests up North! Hurrah for the Rain!

Stress is not my friend. Neither is arid dry desert air. Dudes, I totally resent Colorado for trying to suck the vacation out of my skin. Bullmess.

Last night two really great things happened:

1. I got a free replacement power chord for my puter from my fav mac outlet guy after I explained that my cat chewed through the old one. Score!

&

2. The Agent Ribbons and Camera Obscura show was so so so so so good

Hawaii was excellent. It took me a good five days to really unwind and let the vacation mojo work its magic. But once I got to that point it was smooth sailing.

Our condo had a lanai right next to the ocean. Almost every morning I saw something crazy in the water, unidentifiables, dolphins, sea turtles, crazy humans scuba diving. I got into the habit of waking up before everyone else (which only happens to me in Hawaii btw) and putting on my ipod and listening to my crazy New Zealand guy meditation in a NY minute tracks, crawling down the lava rock to the smooth pebbles polished by the sea and SEA SHELLING only my most favorite activity in the world. Hanging out with the black crabs that blend into the crumbly lava rock, eels, tide pool fish, coral, hermit crabs and whatever else I couldn't see that was there too.

Finally had my long awaited and much anticipated surf lesson by this wonderful 54 year old Jedi surf master Craig Cunningham...who I am pretty sure was a professional surfer in the 80's. My brothers and I somehow magically picked a day when no one else was signed up for lessons so it was just the three of us in this super amazing off the beaten path beach. It was as predicted reallly hard and really satisfying and really addicting. And like anything worth doing, a process - which Craig said repeatedly.

Spent loads of time in the ocean snorkeling and swimming and boogie boarding on white and black sand beaches. Also did night snorkeling with Manta Rays which was so far beyond crazy and amazing. That was a completely new thing being in the ocean at night. Very cool. And Manta Ray's are really amazing creatures.

The weirdest thing that happened is that on the last day snorkeling in Kahulu Keahou Bay (where I have been snorkeling and swimming since I was a toddler without incident) I was bitten by Hawaii's state fish. The Triggerfish. Which I was parts amused, parts horrified, and parts weirded out by. It was a pretty big fish and like CAME AFTER ME after it nipped me. I actually swam away from the buggar pretty quickly! I was amused at the fact that it left teeth marks! and it was just fucking funny in a way, horrified because I have a lot of reverence for Hawaii and it's creatures and felt like I must have pissed someone off if the state fish was willing to charge at me, weirded out because I have always been a water person love swimming and am most comfortable in water and this was way outside of my normal experience. Later I found out that Triggerfish apparently commonly bite people and sometimes draw blood. Who knew! I didnt feel rejected by nature after that.

The weather was totally different than any other time I'd been there. Well, it wasnt the weather so much as the volcanoe. There was a new vent open in the main volcanoe on the Big Island where we were, so some days there was a this fine ash fog that settled pretty close to shore and some days the wind blew the other way and it was completely clear out. The volcanoes are one of the things I love most about Hawaii, they're pretty amazing, living, breathing creation destruction things.

I am glad to be home.

Things I am glad I brought with me:

* Slooooooow down

* Kona Coffee

* Aloha Spirit

* Chocolate from Kauilu Kona Chcolate Factory *drrooooool*

* It's still a process, like everything worth doing

* Other little pieces of the continual lasso of my whole self

Tonight if you are looking for something to do - that band Agent Ribbons that I love is opening for Camera Obscura at The Bluebird 8 pm. They put on a really good show and I think that pretty much everyone I know would LOVE them.

It's Brandi Bitch. And I am 26 now. Uh. Whut.

My Alice in Wonderland-y tea party b-day was so wonderful. All the beautiful people I love, delicious tea-treats, mimosas, some tea too, hot boxin' sunporch, a mini leather whip, a gorgeous yellow Tea Pot, lovely birthday notes and wishes. It was exactly what I needed and it was fantastic. Caroline is the best hostess in the WORLD. ♥ Got a flurry of wonderful calls and txts, one of which was from my Godmother and made me tear up (in a really good way good way).

My parents didnt bother to call or txt me until I was at Red Rocks at night (hi no cell phone service) rawking out to Flight of the Conchords who played (by coincidence?) Hurt Feelings - a song wherein Germaine says something like "The day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mom". I laughed so hard, and my girlfriend gave me a big hug and I knew that I had made the right choice to do a friends b-day party and go to the show instead of succombing to my parents' insensitivity and working my b-day around the graduation party they were throwing my little bro.

The next day I had brunch with them and was so angry and hurt and sad. And all they could talk about was Gabe's graduation party. I felt invisible (trend while being around them). My mom was a huge attention mongering insenstive bitch talking about how hurt she was that a lot of people didnt come to my brother's graduation party oh and how hard her week was and how stressed out she has been and on and on and on. Then she talked about how its really hard for her to remember my birthday, and she doesnt know why that is.

I left feeling totally crushed. Showed up late to House for Church, confused, guilty, angry, sad, betrayed, hurt and bordering on tears. Sat down and immediately started crying. Cried pretty much all through service, sweet Stewart held my hand while I sobbed, Andie sat next to me and rubbed my back. I felt much better and entirely emotionally tapped out. Went home and cried more. Felt a HUGE disconnection in my self. Talked to Jules on the phone, everything made sense again, worked out at the gym. Had dinner and left over b-day cake. Woke up wondering if my 26th year would be a lake of tears? Decided it probably wouldn't.

Elza did a bunch of work on my ablility to be vulnerable and opening up my heart the day before my b-day. I guess we know now how that worked out. Ha.

I'm frankly not so sure I like being vulnerable like this. It kind of fucking sucks. I'm hoping its a lot like a dam or levy bursting. Where at first it is all kinds of intense and then it slows down and becomes a more reasonable ebb and flow. Fucking. I. Have. Been. Protecting. My. Heart. For. So. Long. I. Dont. Know. How. To. Live. With. It. So. Open. And. Exposed.

Though I guess I'm just going to have to learn. Plus I am so weary of being afraid of my emotions or having to camoflauge them or put on a brave front or pretend that its ok, i can take care of it on my own. I have, for so long been on guard, worried that my BIG emotions would be read as part of my craziness as a mental health problem or something. But really the deal is that I have been fucking trained by my parents to not have any emotions - because THEY are scared of them. So my feelings, little soldiers that they are, are trained to end up getting all bottled up and then when they reach their saturation poiont, they explode militantly all over the place and it looks a lot worse than maybe it might have been had I experienced those emotions as they came up in the first place.

For the record FUCK a bunch of bullshit about being afraid of feelings and calling people who experience them sensitive. I am so fucking done with that bullshit that it is not even funny.

I am so totally going to be 26 in a couple of days!!

I'm pretty excited about this birthday. It's the first time I've taken an active interest in really celebrating my b-day properly and it feels damn good :)

So I have been quit smoking almost 1.5 years!! And I dont know if its because I'm going to be another year older soon, or if my body is going through another round of detoxing rat poison and nicotine or what but I had a Dammit Dream this morning.

I felt sooooooo guilty when I woke up and actually had to say to myself outloud "It's ok, you didn't do anything wrong, it's ok". In the dream I probably smoked like a half a pack of cigarettes in 10 minutes btw!! Whut.

I also woke up coughing and hacking like ya do when ya smoke. Wierduuuuhhh. And whats more was kinda craving one!! Yikes. I haven't had a craving for a cigarette since way before I quit. I was totally at that "I am annoyed by this habit" point the last time I quit.

I think the whole smoking dream was really about other things though. Just the weird little nervous habits I've picked up or done more of since quitting smoking. All those details of avoidance and procrastination that slid into the place of smoking in my life.

I am practicing acceptance. Acceptance of where I am now. Being proud of myself for the amazing work I've done and who I am. Enjoying my body being free of unnessecary toxins and poisons, breathing free, and treating myself with honor and respect to the best of my ability - which is a constant approximation of what it means to be gentle and caring and accepting of where I am.

I am totally excited and nervous about my vacation to Hawaii in a week! Excited becuase...well it's Hawaii, my bro and I are taking surfing classes (finally) and all the amazingness of an actual vacation! Nervous becuase my realtionship with my mom has been really in flux and tender and Hi- We'll be hanging out (with Dad and Bros) for like 9 days. Also I have some weird travel anxiety from my LAX disaster that is still lingering - I still maintain is really uncharacteristic of me, but meh.

I went to This Fancy Shmancy dinner for the Rocky Moutain Paralegal Association on Tuesday. I won a gift certificate from The Tattered Cover and got lots of free schwag for the office. In a totally unexpected twist it was a quite magickal evening - one of those moments where I really felt like all the things I'd been working towards came together in a most affirming and validating kind of way. I'm still not even quite sure how to atriculate it.

Last night while hanging out with Kat and getting coffee we overheard these people talking about some advertisment or something they were thinking up involving potatoes. Though sometimes they were talking about strawberries and also Tinkerbell. At one point this guy said "I once read somewhere that Fairies are so small they can only feel one emotion at a time. I was thinking we could really play off of that." - I cannot tell you how hilarious that phrase is to hear when you're just hanging out reading and drinking cofee on the softest couch in the world.

I am really looking forward to going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. The Dammit Dream riled up all kinds of feelings about my coping mechanisms that I'd like to sort out.

Let this be a lesson to mahself about the interwebz.

After my rant about Twattering and then subsequent reading of geeky Lifehacker article about the multiple benefits of the Twitter, I made an account out of curiousity to see if I could love it in a way unique and special to me. You know, make it my own and what have you.

Turns out the answer is yes *confused baffled bewilderment*

I recently netflixed Lost in Austen - this lower budget modern day Austen story about a girl getting lost in the book Pride and Prejudice, swapping places with Elizabeth Bennett. (AMAZING) At one point in movie Elizabeth Bennett is all super modern and txting for a cab and says something like "I was born out of time and out of place" - reverse that, and you have essentially how I feel about being somewhat capable of navigating twitter.

Weirduhhhhhh.

From this ( interview ) on Tori Amos' new album Abnormally Attracted To Sin:

"I wanted to really investigate how we're controlled by the threat of despair," Amos said. "I wanted to look at power - how we think and how you can reclaim the right to think for yourself, to uncover what you believe in as a spiritual, sexual creature. You don't need the approval of your family, or of their religion. You can think, 'Wait a minute, I'm a spiritual being. Just because I like gold handcuffs doesn’t mean I'm not a spiritual being. These definitions are not for my mother to make about me.' What I am exploring with this record is power, and giving it away with your thinking. How do we become controlled?"

Ya, the mommy issues. I have them. In SPADES. But you know something? I am actually sick of hearing myself talk about it. I am almost even sick of thinking about it. No, I AM sick of thinking about it.

This could be a really good sign! Of *drum roll please* the beginnings of what appears to be *AUDIBLE GASP*...

-Acceptance-

Oh Mother Fucking Snap! (No pun intended. Really.)

'Bought freaking time. Not that there is a time table for such things, but I AM approaching my 26th year on this great beautiful broken mess of a planet, and well, its nice to think that I am becoming even more myself, more my own person, and such like, on and on, ad infinitum - healthy emotional developmental paths are being forged in my adult life despite some setbacks - and the story continues.

Something that tipped me over the edge from being only mildy annoyed with my Mommy Issues to being fully Irritated and Sick of thinking/hearing myself talk about them was:

This really kind of inconsequential (and for my parents, normal) interaction wherein my Mom abdicated responsibility for a decision to my dad, that she probably suspected would be hurtful to me. I felt a little angry and frustrated about the decision. Called my dad only to confirm what I suspected: He didnt make this particular decision nor did he have a real say in it. There were a couple more small non important conversations about this decision with my mom, where I tried to stay out of the emotional quicksand of her martyr-victim-persecutor complex. Ultimately my Dad made a united front with my mom declaring to me "WE THE PARENTS HAVE DECIDED THIS THING TOGETHER. YOU ARE EITHER WITH US OR AGAINST US."

*Ps - The Decision was to have my brother's highschool graduation party on my birthday. might not be a huge deal if that didnt mean that showing up to celebrate his gradation meant being around my mom's family on my b-day. so i'm not going to my brother's graduation party because I want to celebrate my birthday without having so Present a reminder of the crappy parts of my life. I would really rather celebrate the happy stuff.

And then it hit me like a fucking lightening bolt to the head:

THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Your mom is going to continue to do thoughtless and insenstive and hurtful things and refuse to be accountable or responsible for them when confronted. And your dad is going to stand by her side and not only condone it but sign on to it. And You can either:

A. get all up in that shit and stir up some more drama and cry and moan and bitch and mope and engage in the battle until the fucking bitter end.

-OR-

B. you can Choose To Walk Away and Lovingly Disengage from this Sad Crazy Spiral of a ShitStorm and take responsibility for your part in the mess.

That Ligtening Bolt must've been cracked through layers of skull and brains yet untouched by years of therapy and self-analysis, becuase all of a sudden OPTION B is looking like the only option I would conciously and willingly choose.

Mocking the internet's futility makes me love it all the more.

AMAZING! HILARITY! This is from a Supreme Court Hearing today on Strip Searches in Schools for Drugs:

There were flashes of humor during the serious arguments.

Justice Antonin Scalia apparently discovered that children sometime sniff permanent markers looking for a high as he questioned why the school confiscated them. "They sniff them?" Scalia said.

"That's what kids do, your honor, unfortunately," Wright said.

"Really?" Scalia said.

And Justice Stephen Breyer can expect years of teasing after a misstatement as he was trying to point out that it might not be unusual for children to hide things from teachers in their underwear.

"In my experience when I was 8 or 10 or 12 years old, you know, we did take our clothes off once a day, we changed for gym, OK? And in my experience, too, people did sometimes stick things in my underwear." Breyer hesitated as he realized what he said as the courtrooom erupted in laughter.

He quickly recovered and added: "Or not my underwear. Whatever. Whatever."

It makes me so happy that this is part of our national Supreme Court Transcripts forevermore. Amen.